Living with scrupulosity is is a real thorn in the side. It can take its toll on your spiritual life, your career, and of course the relationships that mean the most. Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to still love your family when you have scrupulosity, and really love them well?
One of my now-recovered clients met with me for his last session this week. He said, “Scrupulosity has brought about the best changes in my life, but you couldn’t pay me enough to go through that again!” As we spoke, he reflected on how his relationship with God is much stronger now, but also he’s seen major improvements in his relationships with his wife, children, and extended family.
His story is a good reminder that we can still be amazing, dependable family members despite having an OCD diagnosis. Furthermore, the better we become at managing our diagnosis, the more we can channel God’s love and grace into our homes. Our loved ones expend a lot of energy and emotion to support us through our anxious season. In this post, I’d like to talk about how we can love them well, too.
Here are ten practical tips on how to love your family when you have scrupulosity.
1. It’s a Good Idea to Hide Some Things
A few of my clients have called me from their closets because they don’t want their spouse or children to hear them sharing their deepest inner obsessions. And while it feels isolating to be cloaked in secrecy, keeping OCD to ourselves is honesty not a bad idea.
Many people with religious OCD feel a need to disclose every intrusive thought or seek constant reassurance from their loved ones. Let’s remember that full disclosures are usually lengthy and exhausting to our loved ones, and depending on the content, they may also be hurtful and confusing.
One of our group members shared that he has felt the need to confess to his wife the thought that she wasn’t the prettiest woman he knew and that sometimes he didn’t feel attracted to her.
You can imagine how well this went over with his wife.
Others have admitted the entirety of their obsessional content to uninformed family members—people who have no background in dealing with religious OCD—and they subsequently become very worried and convinced that their loved one is lost, apostate, drifting from the Lord, etc.
Don’t do this. I don’t recommend sharing your intrusive thoughts with family members. ESPECIALLY if the thought is something negative about them! That’s definitely not the best way to love your family when you have scrupulosity. Just let it go!
I know we can be very distracted by our thoughts and we can’t always hide that distractibility. Our loved ones can tell by the glazed eyes, the zoned-out face, perhaps some twitches or mutterings under our breath. They can tell when we’re stuck in our heads. But this doesn’t mean you have to tell them the content of your thoughts.
In moments when it feels necessary to communicate your struggle to your family, keep it simple: “I’m just having some OCD thoughts right now. It’ll pass. I’ll be fine.” By doing so, you avoid overburdening loved ones with details they may not fully understand and you also reduce the temptation to seek unnecessary reassurance. This brief communication allows you to acknowledge the issue without turning it into a discussion every time.
2. Be Present in Family Moments
One of the hardest things about living with OCD is the constant mental distraction it causes. It can be tough to be present when you’re stuck in a cycle of intrusive thoughts. However, family mealtimes or special gatherings are opportunities to delay dealing with those obsessions and simply be with your family.
Presence is one of the best ways you can love your family when you have scrupulosity.
During family moments, give yourself permission to pause the mental battle. Tell yourself, “I will deal with these thoughts later; right now, my focus is on my family.” Even if your mind keeps trying to pull you back into obsessional thinking, practicing presence can help you stay in the moment.
Think about the colors, textures, smells, and sounds around you. Look at your family members and see if you can notice something new about their face or hair or clothing. Try to really see them if it’s been awhile since you’ve been outside your head long enough to really take a good look. Ask conversational questions, even though your own mind may be filled with OCD questions badgering you to converse with your imagination instead of your family.
Your family will appreciate the effort you make to connect with them. And if you’re anything like me, these moments of connection will become precious. You might begin realizing how long it’s been since you really saw your loved ones, and it will encourage you to come out of your head more often.
3. Handle Anxiety-Fueled Anger with Honesty
It’s common for people with OCD to experience heightened anger or frustration, often because their anxious energy is overwhelming. If you find yourself snapping or becoming irritable with your family for no good reason, it’s important to communicate what’s really going on.
Instead of directing your anger toward your loved ones, say something like: “This isn’t about you or the issue at hand. I’m feeling angry because I have too much anxious energy. Can I have a minute to calm down?” This allows your family to understand that your anger is a symptom of your OCD, not a reflection of their actions, and it creates space for more constructive communication.
Anger–the confusing type that comes from no known source and we know it’s clearly an overreaction to the situation at hand–is one response that can cause a lot of shame in the scrupulosity community. Please know that this is a common struggle, and you are not alone. I, too, had my angry seasons when I’d be flying off the handle for the smallest things. Something inside my head–my true self, I think–would be looking on and saying, “Jaimie, stop. Just stop. Why are you making a big deal out of nothing? Why are you talking to your husband like this?” But it was like I had a fire lit under my tail and I couldn’t stop even though I wanted to.
Dealing with underlying imbalances like copper toxicity in my system, and getting appropriate treatment for my OCD helped bring my anxiety levels way down. This helped my constant irritability become more manageable.
4. Practice Flexibility, Even When OCD Makes You Rigid
OCD often manifests as a desire for rigid control over routines or family plans. If you’ve ever found yourself suddenly unwilling to budge on a decision, only to realize later it wasn’t about the actual plan but about your anxiety, you’re not alone.
When this happens, remind yourself that flexibility is a choice. It’s okay to say, “I choose to be flexible. I will let my family make the decision on this one, and I will go along and have an adventure.” Releasing that need for control not only helps you confront the compulsive aspect of OCD but also allows your family to feel like their opinions and desires matter, creating a healthier dynamic.
I’ve received emails from spouses and parents of people with OCD saying they have to “walk on eggshells” to prevent their loved one from getting triggered. Things have to be “just so.” This takes its toll on them, as you can imagine. And no, we can’t just “snap out of” our OCD struggle, but we can gradually learn to give away the reins of control. Remember, OCD’s fear mongering wants us to control everything so that we prevent disaster and protect ourselves. For me, it’s so easy to get an rigid plan in my head as “the only way” (I would never say it that way, but that’s how I’m operating). Then someone comes along and wants a small tweak to the plan, and it feels threatening. It feels like bad things will happen, even though there’s no way I could possibly articulate exactly what bad things might occur if we eat lunch before going grocery shopping rather than the other way around.
I think this rigidity might relate to OCD’s “just right” mindset.
When I know I’m going into a situation where I’m liable to become rigid, controlling, and anxiously irritable when things don’t go my way, I give myself a pep talk first about going with the flow and having an “adventure.” Adventure terminology is important to me because it’s so open-ended and positive. My little family of three visited 6 countries together by the time my daughter turned six months old–and we had an incredible time. We were happy, my anxiety was almost nil, and I was pressing into the adventure mindset. Whenever flights got messed up or we changed hotels last minute, I was pepped and prepped for releasing control.
And yes, you guessed it–nothing catastrophic happened. But our whole family had a great time because Mama wasn’t being a rigid old goose. Till today, I am still learning how to love my family despite my scrupulosity.
5. Remember, Your Family Members Have Their Struggles Too
OCD tends to make us very inward-focused, often to the point of forgetting that our loved ones have their own challenges. Maybe they’re dealing with repressed traumas, health issues, or workplace stress. One of the best side effects of OCD recovery is a restoration of your empathy for others.
Think of OCD like a boxing ring where all you see is your massive opponent (your anxiety). The floodlights on the boxing ring are so blinding that the crowd (your family) fades from view. All you can see is the bully towering in front of you. The good news is that when you get out of the boxing ring–as OCD recovery methods teach–it allows you to reconnect with your loved ones.
When was the last time you did a check in with your spouse or your parent or your closest loved one to ask how they are doing? Do they walk on eggshells with you and avoid telling you anything upsetting because they think you can’t handle it?
Aspire to handle it. Aspire to support them like they’ve been supporting you.
Maybe you’re not up to it right now, but here’s the point I want to make: as you seek to bless your loved ones, you will find that it actually has a secret, hidden effect. It actually improves your OCD.
Wait, what–?
Yes, that’s right. Getting out of your own head to love your family when you have scrupulosity is one of the best secret weapons out there. Investing in the support of another person is completely counterbalancing to the OCD drive. It is other-seeking, other-protecting, other-interested. As the Scriptures tell us,
“Love…does not seek its own.” 1 Corinthians 13:5
Fixing ourselves isn’t the motivation for caring, but I mention this in case you feel like you “don’t have it in you” to take time to show interest in your loved one’s struggles. You might expect it to be draining, but it can actually have the opposite effect. Try it! “How are you doing? How are you really doing?”
6. Stop Using Loved Ones for Reassurance Seeking
Seeking reassurance is a common compulsion in OCD, but it’s not helpful for your progress and can wear down your relationships. If you find yourself repeatedly asking your family for reassurance, recognize this behavior for what it is—a way to momentarily soothe your anxiety, not a real solution.
Some of our group members have admitted going to their parents or spouses multiple times per day for reassurance. Others say they have “worn out” everyone in their life who wanted to help.
The next time you feel the urge to ask for reassurance, try something different. You might say, “I really feel like I need reassurance for my OCD right now, but I know it isn’t helpful for me, and it’s not enjoyable for you. Could we do something together to help distract me instead?” This strategy shifts the focus from your OCD onto a shared activity, fostering connection without reinforcing unhealthy patterns.
7. Be a Source of Positivity and Gratitude
Maybe you’ve had OCD since childhood and can’t remember a time when you weren’t doing compulsions under your breath. But many of us had adult onset OCD, which often involved a “crash” or some kind of mental health implosion. Maybe it takes us a year or two to pick up the pieces and find treatment. We aren’t fully better yet, but we’re walking wounded, on our feet and still making it to work most days.
I hate to tell you, but the last 20% of recovery takes forever. It really does.
So for most of us, there’s a point in which we have to switch from “crisis mode” to “I have a chronic condition” mode. And then deal with it.
I don’t expect anyone in crisis mode to be little Miss Pollyanna. You’re totally allowed to feel like melted candle wax when you’re in crisis. But if you’re applying yourself to recovery, you’re going to get better.
It’s funny because every so often I’ll get some really honest group members who will tell me things like, “when I watched the Master Class online and you said XYZ, I thought, Oh come on, that’s not going to work. But I wasn’t getting better doing nothing, so I figured I’d give it a try. And wow, it worked!” One group member recently shared that after trying just one strategy in the Master Class that she thought sounded kind of useless, she felt significantly better within one week.
I’m not saying this as a commercial for the Master Class, I’m saying this to illustrate that there are two classes of people with OCD: those who are hustling, and those who aren’t. Whether you are using strategies from me or from Joe Schmoe, do your stuff! Sometimes we’ll get group members constantly hoisting crisis flags, looking for reassurance, and then the truth comes out: they haven’t even started the Master Class, they aren’t attending group sessions, they quit therapy–they just want to be spoon fed reassurance.
My friends, we have to do “enough” to get out of crisis mode and then accept the fact that we have a chronic condition that needs to be managed (unless you’re in the lucky 20% who have a full remission). So again, if you’re genuinely in crisis mode, focus on getting better. But once you’re out of the woods, so to speak, try to make space to still love your family members despite your scrupulosity diagnosis.
One way of doing this is to be a source of positivity and gratitude. I’m talking about small gestures—a smile, a kind word, or acknowledging their support—these can go a long way. Let them know when they do something you appreciate. In fact, make a point of trying to find things to thank them for. A little gratitude can help remind your family that you appreciate their presence and that you’re working hard to manage your OCD.
8. Avoid a “Holier Than Thou” Attitude
One of the challenges of religious OCD is that it can sometimes create an overzealous approach to faith. You may feel compelled to point out the moral failings of family members, such as driving a few miles over the speed limit or not following spiritual disciplines to the letter. Many of our group members have looked back on their experiences with loved ones and have used various terms to describe themselves:
- Spiritually aggressive
- “Holier than thou” attitude
- Pushy
- Judgmental
- Overly fastidious and hairsplitting
- Legalistic
- A poor witness for Jesus
For the person with scrupulosity, such behaviors stem from anxiety, not from love.
It’s important to remember that scripture advises us to “speak the truth in love,” not in anxiety. Before you say anything, ask yourself if this comes from a place of love and genuine concern, or if it’s fueled by your own scrupulosity. If it’s the latter, it’s best to hold back until you can speak with Christ’s spirit of peace and love. You can love your family when you have scrupulosity by withholding judgment that doesn’t need to be expressed.
9. Stop Over-Apologizing
Many people with scrupulosity develop a compulsion to apologize excessively, often for things that don’t even require an apology. Apologizing repeatedly can become a form of reassurance-seeking, where you’re looking for validation that you haven’t done anything wrong.
I don’t see these apologies as “true” apologies. A true apology is an offering that you bring to another person to heal the wounds of another. Scrupulous apologies are self-serving; we do them to heal the anxious feelings in ourselves. As such, they are not restorative to the other person. They are draining and awkward.
Before apologizing to a loved one (or anyone else, for that matter), take an honest look at your motives. This will help you recognize whether it is a true apology or an OCD apology. Are you feeling anxious, urgent, unable to think of anything else other than getting that person’s validation that you’re okay? Is there a repulsive pull towards the apology, as though you have to do this embarrassing thing in order to clear yourself–something you simultaneously want but don’t want?
Better to leave off the apology.
Then, in the paralyzing fog that drifts over us when we are refusing to do our compulsions, admit your struggle very simply to your loved one. If they notice you spacing out or freezing in the middle of a conversation, say, “I really want to do something compulsive right now but I’m trying my best not to do it. I’m sorry I missed what you were saying. Can you repeat that one more time?”
Or, ask them to help you “do the next thing.” I’ve had days where I’m so mentally paralyzed from trying not to compulse that I’ve asked my husband, “Can you just tell me what I need to be doing right now?” If you need to do that, do it! But don’t burden your loved one with obsessive-compulsive apologies. Learning how to love your family well when you have scrupulosity means we have to come to terms with what’s true love and what’s compulsivity.
10. Fake It Till You Make It
Sometimes the best way to love your family when you have scrupulosity is to fake normalcy, even when your mind is screaming at you with obsessive thoughts. The reality is that your OCD crisis is imaginary. It’s fake news. So why not act as though we believed that?
Yes, Jaimie, but what if it’s not fake news? You might be thinking. I know my thoughts can be bizarre, but I’m not 100% sure they’re not real/true/important.
Don’t forget this is part of OCD’s chronic doubt getting thrown at you. The OCD brain refuses to allow you to be 100% sure of anything. All you need in order to put this strategy into practice is to be fairly certain that ignoring your thoughts is the right thing to do. You don’t need to be completely convinced–just “sure enough” to treat this stuff like OCD instead of treating it like the voice of God.
And again, here’s the strategy: fake normalcy.
Show up for your family as if things are fine. Attend your spouse’s special work event. Help your child with his homework. Cook dinner. Take a shower every day. Yes, even when you feel like you’re spiraling.
This “faking” of normal behavior is not about deceiving your loved ones—it’s about breaking the hold OCD has on your life and giving your loved ones the gift of your presence. Over time, this practice helps both you and your family adjust to a healthier dynamic, allowing OCD to lose some of its power over you.
This strategy is why I almost always used to feel better after attending social events. I’d be in my head for hours every day, “working” on my anxiety (a self-defeating endeavor). Then I’d have to show up at some sort of social function with my church or friends or family. Not wanting them to know I was actually a neurotic wreck, I’d fake normalcy, smiling and wearing something semi pretty and engaging in small talk.
Some people find it very distressing to go long periods of time in social settings where they can’t check in with themselves and perform their secret compulsions. But for me, faking it was always an unexpected reprieve from my treadmill of anxiety. I found that it would “snap me out” of my rumination. My husband and I had some really lovely times together when we were out with groups of friends, because it forced me to “act normal” and not sit silently ruminating beside him.
Remember, these strategies aren’t about you or what will be most comfortable for you (this isn’t comfortable, if we are totally honest). This is about giving a gift to your loved ones that will make them feel seen, heard, valued, and loved. So fake normalcy as a gift to them.
(And trust me, it’ll help your OCD resolve faster, too.)
How to Love Your Family When You Have Scrupulosity: Conclusion
Living with religious OCD is undeniably challenging, but it doesn’t have to stop you from loving your family well. By implementing these ten strategies, you can foster a more united and supportive family environment. Here they are again in summary, ten strategies for how to love your family when you have scrupulosity:
- It’s a Good Idea to Hide Some Things
- Be Present in Family Moments
- Handle Anxiety-Fueled Anger with Honesty
- Practice Flexibility, Even When OCD Makes You Rigid
- Remember Your Family Members Have Their Struggles, Too
- Stop Using Loved Ones for Reassurance
- Be a Source of Positivity and Gratitude
- Avoid a “Holier Than Thou” Attitude
- Stop Over-Apologizing
- Fake It Till You Make It
Remember, you’re not defined by your OCD; you’re defined by the love you give to those around you, even in the midst of your own struggles. I guarantee whatever current obsession you’re dealing with is something you will not remember ten years from now. Even if it’s something very persistent, you’ll only recall blurry outlines of it in a decade. But you know what you’ll remember? You’ll remember loving your family. The smiles you share now. Watching your child or grandchild take their first steps. Being there during your spouse’s losses and joys. You’ll remember the trips you took, the adventures you had, the meals shared.
OCD? It’s just background noise to all of that.
Let’s all try to get out and LIVE our lives, despite the OCD. Let’s love our families even when we have scrupulosity.
Best wishes on the journey,
I feel so seen reading this article. Thank you for using your experience and faith to encourage people like me. Thank God for hope.
This is one of my biggest struggles having an OCD. My relationships are affected because most of the time I’m not present. I’m stuck in my head. Thank you for these tips, Jaimie. I felt so seen. Also, as a single girl looking to date, I think I can apply these strategies too.
A well-written article that elevates truth for those wanting real change in the midst of OCD struggles. Thank you for serving your community so well, Jaimie.