Afraid of Going to Hell: One Woman’s Journey

Scrupulosity Video Post

Jaimie Eckert

Published on Oct 12, 2023; Updated on Jan 25, 2024

Do you have an inordinate amount of fear in your spiritual life or feel afraid of going to hell? Are you an earnest follower of Jesus and yet have days where you doubt your security in Christ? You’re not alone. Many sincere believers who have a chronic anxiety disorder like OCD may struggle to feel consistent assurance of salvation.

Our guest poster today is Julie from the UK. She works as an accountant and lives with her husband of 31 years, Ben, and a diamond dove called Chalcedony. She’s been a follower of Jesus for 34 years and in her free time she enjoys walking in the countryside or by the sea, and reading. Today, she has graciously agreed to share her story of how she’s struggled with religious OCD. Follow along as she tells about being afraid she’s going to hell, afraid she’s losing her faith, and how God has begun healing her.

My Scrupulosity Breakdown

The first signs of my struggle with OCD appeared about twenty years ago when I would stand on train stations gripped with terror that I was going to jump off the platform onto the tracks.  I would stand as far back as I could, gripping on to anything that I thought might help me hold myself back.

Then later I would find myself in church services certain I was going to shout out something terrible. I would bite my cheeks, suck sweets, again anything that I thought would stop me. And of course I prayed hard.

I gradually began to realise I was struggling with OCD but it still didn’t enable me to spot the intrusive thoughts that came just as part of everyday life. I became certain people were plotting against me, and imagined there was a big conspiracy against me involving different church leaders and churches. We even left one church for another but I was certain it had followed me there. Only after I discovered I had scrupulosity did I begin to understand it was all driven by intrusive thoughts.

That did my spiritual health no good, and in late Autumn 2021 I crashed.  I had started a new temporary job.  The first night I became anxious I wasn’t going to sleep, and so of course I didn’t, then I didn’t sleep the next night and the next.  Verses about God giving sleep to those He loves kept coming into my head and I became certain I was under God’s judgement.  Looking back of course there are plenty of Psalms about believers struggling through sleepless nights, but none of those came into my head. All I could think about was being under judgement.

When God's chosen people fear hell

Then one night I was praying to God for forgiveness and I didn’t feel forgiven.  I suddenly found myself aware that I couldn’t feel my faith and I became convinced it didn’t exist.  My faith seemed to unravel completely and I found myself doubting everything I had believed for 32 years.  By Christmas 2021 I was certain I was doomed and afraid of going to Hell.  But what I didn’t ever do was stop talking to God.  My quiet times with Him at the time felt very forced, I felt no connection, I felt like I was telling Him I was coming into His presence through the blood of Jesus but that I didn’t really believe it.  But I am very thankful that I never stopped talking to Him.

Trying to “Feel” My Faith

At the same time as I was convinced I was going to Hell, that God had cut me off, I was also desperate to be able to feel my faith and believe I had faith once more, and to feel that I was saved.  So for months, from morning to night, I was obsessing all day long, going round and round in circles trying to convince myself I was trusting in Jesus, trying to feel saved.  I would do whatever I could to make myself feel like I had faith, and as soon as I had achieved it, five minutes later it was gone.  I kept coming up with new ways of feeling I had faith, and sometimes they even ‘worked’ for an evening, but then by the next day they didn’t ‘work’ any more.

I asked everyone I knew well enough to pray for me, asking them to pray that I would get my faith back, that I would be able to trust in Jesus once more.  Each day I would have a morning quiet time, somehow get through the day, and then spend the last hour of the day praying about my struggle, desperately praying He would restore me, restore my faith, forgive me, give me another chance. I kept telling my husband I felt I was clinging on to the Lord for dear life.

The first step forward was finally realising that I had turned faith into a work.  I had come to see myself as responsible for generating faith, and that if only I could do it everything would be ok and I would know I was saved.  But I finally came to my senses and remembered that faith is God’s gift, we’re not capable of generating it ourselves.  I started praying that God would grow my faith and my belief in Him.  My brother also gave me a helpful suggestion, that I should read the creed out loud every day and declare ‘this is what I choose to believe,’ so I started doing that and it has worked well for me.

Afraid of Going to Hell: Reading the Difficult Passages

I had continued following my reading a Bible in a year plan but I was finding that almost every passage I read in the Old Testament was passing judgement on me.  In the end I said to my husband I thought I should just read the gospels, and then I found myself terrified I wouldn’t believe what I was reading.  If I didn’t believe the gospels that was it, I was certain then I would be absolutely lost.  I became afraid of reading them in case I didn’t believe what I was reading.  And my feelings made me think I didn’t believe.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/P2u3Yod5QU8

Then I began to realise that if I really didn’t believe the Bible I wouldn’t be worried about not believing it, that actually the fact I was so terrified of not believing it showed I did really believe it.  I found that helpful and finally decided that as I wanted to see my faith grow the best thing to do was to work very slowly through the gospel of John using a commentary, so I really understood what I was reading.  That has been a very helpful thing to do and has worked well for me.

My aunt and uncle, my husband, and believing friends who know me well have consistently kept telling me I am definitely saved and that it is Jesus who holds on to me.  I started learning the verses about the Lord’s hold on those He saves like Philippians 1:6 “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ,” and I started learning verses about the love and faithfulness of God.  I wanted to drive into myself the truth that God is a God of lovingkindness and faithfulness who I can trust.

Afraid of going to hell: symptoms of religious OCD

My temporary job ended in April 2022, and for a couple of months I was at home all day, and I began driving myself mad walking round and round the house all day praying desperately to God for deliverance and restoration. I thought I was too ill to work, but actually I desperately needed to be distracted, and God knew that.  A friend who is an employment agent started pushing jobs at me, I went for an interview, and when I was offered a second interview I tried to back out saying I wasn’t ready to go back to work, but my prospective employer said come in and talk about it.  The second interview was her talking me into taking the job, and by the end of it I realised that God’s hand was in it so I took the job and it really has been therapeutic.  Many days, not every day but many days, I get so engrossed in my work I don’t spend much time ruminating and that has done me enormous good.

Truths That Help Me Stop Being Afraid of Going to Hell

I have kept looking back at my job as evidence of God’s care for me.  Then in May 2022 I started seeing a new Biblical counsellor.  Once she had got to know me, she started assuring me I am really a believer, and started helping me to find ways to recognise that.  She pointed out a number of things to me that have really helped me:

  • Even when I thought I was cut off I never stopped wanting a relationship with God and seeking Him.  She pointed out to me that that was all the work of the Holy Spirit.  I thought I was abandoned but He was still pursuing me, and every desire to seek after Him, to know Him, to believe in Him, was all His work in my heart.

  • That I could see my faith in Jesus reflected in my desperation.  My desperation to be right with God, to know I’m right with God, and to have a relationship with Him, is all evidence of my faith.

It was my counsellor who first identified that I was struggling with Scrupulosity, which I had never heard of.  But it made sense looking back on my history of OCD.  That was a big step forward for me, just understanding what I was struggling with and learning that I could trust God instead of being so afraid of going to hell.

One morning I was praying hard that the Lord would not let the destroyer within destroy my faith.  I felt like I had this enemy within me who was intent on destroying my faith completely and I was praying hard the Lord would not let that happen.  I started on my verses in John for the day and looked up a cross reference in Isaiah.  I prayed and when I opened my eyes I found myself looking at these verses in Isaiah 49:15-17 in the NASB which is what I use: “Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.  Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me. Your builders hurry; your destroyers and devastators will leave you.”

God will never forsake His children

It felt like God was saying, “I heard your prayer and I’m going to answer it, just wait and you will see what I will do.”

I was listening to a sermon one day and my eye fell on a verse on the opposite page I had underlined: “Those who hopefully wait for Me will not be put to shame” (Isaiah 49:23). That together with Psalm 63:8 “My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me” have been life verses for me over this time.

A friend in my church gave me a copy of Is It Unspiritual to be Depressed? by Paul Ritchie and I found it the most helpful book I have read.  He also struggles with Scrupulosity and there is a quote in it that says “The lives of many godly Christians, the experience of the psalmists, the suffering of our Saviour and the teaching of Scripture all show that one of the ways that we honour God is holding on to Him for dear life in the midst of inner turmoil and pain.”  I found that so helpful because from the start I had felt I was clinging on to God for dear life and I found it so helpful to know I was honouring God by doing that.

One day I noticed a book was sticking out of our bookshelf – one I had read in the past: Dark Clouds Deep Mercy.  I thought maybe God wanted me to read it again so I did and it was also hugely helpful. It is about using Biblical lament to express pain to God, cry out to Him, and express faith in Him.  I started doing that and have written out many of my own laments based on the Psalms, crying out to the Lord to help me.

Learning to Trust God

I recognised as I prayed each day that before my ‘crash’ I had become very complacent in my Christian faith in many ways, particularly in treating lightly Jesus’s commandment that we love one another.  I acknowledged to God that I had gone wrong in many ways as a believer and asked Him to forgive me, and I began to recognise the struggle I was facing as God’s will for me, as both His loving discipline and His training, and to pray He would work through it to make me into the person He wants me to be.

I also recognised that as the Lord is the giver of my faith so He is the maintainer of my faith.  As He is the Saviour of my soul so He is the keeper of my soul.  So every day now I express to Him my total dependence on Him to keep me going, to keep me clinging on to Him, to keep me following Him.  I have begun to understand that He wants us to be dependent on Him, and that scrupulosity makes us dependent on Him in a way we would not be otherwise.

One day I was praying with my head down as the computer was turning on, and I started asking God to enable me to step off the bridge and trust Him to catch me.  When I looked up, there was a picture of a bridge on the Windows log in screen.  I could hardly believe it, again it was like He was saying, “I heard you.  Trust Me.”

Trusting God: a bridge over mental health crises

All these different things have fed into a growing faith and trust in Him that He is going to bring me through this, and now when I come to Him to pray to Him I know that I have a relationship with Him.

I recently found Scrupulosity.com and I am starting to try to put into practice what I am learning. As I write this I am not better, far from it. I am working on recognising that a lie of scrupulosity is that I can’t deal with uncertainty, and that actually with God’s help I can. I am working on recognising my doubts as scrupulosity symptoms, and not responding to them. I am seeking to give God responsibility for the depth of my faith in Him, and for all my OCD anxieties. I am trusting Jesus for my salvation and my eternal home, but because my scrupulosity at present prevents me from feeling assurance, I will follow Him anyway, as I ask Him to heal me.

Lessons from My Battle with Religious OCD

In my struggle to stop being afraid of going to hell or losing my faith or all the other things scrupulosity has thrown at me, here are a few lessons I’d like to share:

  1. Faith is God’s gift.  There’s no point trying to generate it.  We need to look to Him and depend on Him which is exactly what He wants us to do.
  2. Keep talking to God.  Even if the only way you can do it is by reading a Psalm out loud, still keep talking to Him.  And try to keep listening to Him in His Word, even if for a while it is just a few verses a day.
  3. Refusing to engage with our doubts does take faith.  Because the feelings of fear and ‘not being safe’ can be overwhelming.  But I think at the moment this is for me ‘stepping off the bridge’ and trusting Him to catch me.  Just refusing to engage with the doubts and trusting Him to hold on to me.
  4. Remember always that it was Him who chose you.  Philippians 1:6 He will complete the good work He began.  Keep clinging on to Him as He holds on to you.


We are so grateful to Julie for sharing her experience with scrupulosity. If you would like to respond to her story, please feel free to comment below. Thank you, Julie, and may God continue guiding you on your journey to mental, emotional, and spiritual wholeness!

  • I've struggled with scrupulosity for a long time. Recently I'm fearing God's discipline. I sinned and have struggled with this particular sin over the years. I'm worried someone I care about will die because of it. Or I will lose my job, I am the sole breadwinner because my husband is disabled. Or another hard life situation will happen.

    • God’s discipline isn’t that cut and dry or neatly predictable. The Bible speaks about the wicked who never get punishment in this life at all. And then it speaks about God’s children who are disciplined as “sons.”

      And, God doesn’t punish other people to get at you for your sins (read Ezekiel 18).

      Think of how a parent disciplines a child. There’s a lot of individualization going on. What works for one child won’t work for another child. Some are very hardheaded and need to go through the school of hard knocks. Others, who are more sensitive, may need little more than a stern look. Like a good parent, God knows how to discipline us in a way that will teach and enlist our “will” on the side of right-doing. It’s not about being punitive. It’s redemptive and winsome and loving.

  • I definitely struggle with religious scrupulosity, but this article was not helpful or encouraging for me. I just feel like there is no hope when I read the Bible. I try to follow the rules, but the more I try the harder it gets. I just give up and rely on myself. I know this is not the right thing to do, but I feel like Christianity is impossible. The thing that torments me is that I know that I am a sinner, and that God will send me to hell. That is the only truth my mind can settle on. I have tried to walk with God for seven years, and I am no closer to salvation than the first day I read the Bible. It is very frustrating.

    • Hi Sarah

      Martin Luther who also suffered from OCD wrote this poem:

      Feelings come and feelings go,
      And feelings are deceiving;
      My warrant is the Word of God–
      Naught else is worth believing.

      Though all my heart should feel condemned
      For want of some sweet token,
      There is One greater than my heart
      Whose Word cannot be broken.

      I'll trust in God's unchanging Word
      Till soul and body sever,
      For, though all things shall pass away,
      HIS WORD SHALL STAND FOREVER!

      And it is the right way to battle OCD.

      God sent Jesus to die for us and rise again because He WANTS to save us.

      Jesus died on the Cross and rose again because He WANTS to save us.

      If you have asked Jesus to save you, and if you are like most Scrupulosity sufferers you have probably asked endlessly, then just choose to believe God's promises in the Bible and ask the Lord to help you do that.

      Have you done Jaimie Eckert's Scrupulosity Masterclass? If not it will really help you. It really helped me.

      Don't give up, cling to Jesus.

      God bless you, Julie

    • Praise God! Keep clinging to Jesus Jessica, He will not let go of you. "My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:8

      "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

      ❤️

  • This was very encouraging and full of insight! Thank you so much for posting this. I had Philippians 1:6 on my heart today and it's interesting that she used it in this post. As in her experience, I know God does things like this for us to confirm that he hears us! Thank you for the reaffirmation of not giving into doubts and learning how to be okay with uncertainty. Blessings.

    • Hi Aimee,

      I'm really glad it helped you. You're so right, God affirms to us that He hears us and He knows our hearts in so many ways. Keep clinging to Jesus and keep following Him no matter what. Faith is not the absence of doubt, faith is following Jesus in spite of doubt.

      God bless you, Julie

    • Hi Nancy, during my struggle I found a children's book 'The Lamb' very helpful in focusing on what Jesus did for me on the Cross. It has very helpfully been put on YouTube. The link is https://youtu.be/aU4m09axKfc?si=sH35qTYZMH-mLYBc. It was made for children but if you can spare 40 minutes to watch it, I hope it will help you too. If you have been a Christian a long time but are now struggling you probably already have a church. You could speak to your minister and ask for his help. If you don't already have a church then try to find one near you offering a Christianity Explored course. And above all talk honestly to God about your struggle and ask for His help to trust Jesus. He will answer you if you ask Him. I hope this helps you. God bless you, Julie

  • Thank 😊 you for this.I haven't finished reading this, but will tomorrow. I have a question I know you can answer: I have a fear of going to Hell but also being devil possessed. Is this scruplosity? Will you send me a email?

    • Hi Debbie, I think that sounds like Scrupulosity. If you are worried about being devil possessed that is a sure sign you are not. Have you looked at the Scrupulosity.com Masterclass? It's a good place to start. You could also book a 1 to 1 with Jaimie Eckert as she knows much more about Scrupulosity than I do. But if you would like me to contact you by email that's fine, if you can give me your email address. Thank you. God bless you, Julie

  • Thank you so much. I saved this testimony because it is so much like mine. I have found it on a day when I was struggling very much and terrified of a long week ahead because of that struggle. Thank you is not enough and I’m so glad you say to keep talking to God, because that’s what I have done too even tho some days felt like why.

    • Hi Cora, I'm so glad this helped and encouraged you on a tough day. I have known so many mornings of waking up and thinking, oh no not another day. But keep clinging on to Jesus, because He is our salvation. I have been asking people to pray for me that I will trust God’s Word and not my own head (Proverbs 3:5-6) and that I will cling to the Lord (Psalm 63:8), wait hopefully for Him (Isaiah 49:23), and put my trust in Him when I'm afraid (Psalm 56:3). I'm sure you already do have people praying for you, but ask as many people as you can. I was so desperate I stopped worrying what people thought and just told them my struggle so they would pray. We can do nothing for ourselves. Cry out to the Lord and He does hear you, and He will answer. I will pray for you. ❤️🙏

    • Hi Benjamin, I think our understanding of the verse has to be rooted in the New Testament. Those of us who have trusted Christ as our Saviour and cling to Him, no matter how much we battle doubt, are robed in His righteousness. All the blessings of Heaven are ours. The wicked are those who refuse to trust in Christ. "For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the Name of God’s one and only Son." John 3:16-18. No one struggling with Scrupulosity is refusing to trust in Jesus. I hope that helps. God bless you, Julie

  • I try to live as a Christian, but I wonder how many are Christians only because they fear going to hell? If there was no afterlife, how many would serve God, and believe in Jesus? They Old Testament speaks little or nothing of hell, yet Jews love God for who He is, not for the promise of heaven or hell. I ask myself this question all the time.

    • Hi Bob, thank you for sharing your heart so honestly. I think we do love God for who He is. We love the Lord Jesus Christ because even though He is the eternal Son of God, He left His throne in glory, He laid aside His glory and His Majesty, He humbled Himself to take on human flesh and become a man even though He made us. He willingly poured Himself out living a righteous lift of suffering and pain and then dying on the Cross a brutal, shameful death paying in full the price of our sin, my sin, your sin, and then rising again. He did this willingly because He loves us so much. He was forsaken by His Father, as God's wrath for our sin was poured out in full on Him. God gave His one and only Son to save us, to reconcile us to Himself. That is how much He loves us. That is why we love Him. If you truly believe these things and have asked Jesus to save you, then you are saved because His perfect life has been credited to your account and your sin has been paid for, not because you seek to live like a Christian. Love Him not just for who He is, but because He first loved us, and paid an infinite price so that He could reconcile us to Himself. God bless you, Julie

  • I recently was considering suicide because I couldn’t deal with God rejecting me. I have had a few experiences of feeling Gods love but feeling he wants me to let go of him and accept hell. I couldn’t deal with that, again this happened a couple of days ago and I have been trying to make sense of it. Today I have started to feel better as I went to a family party 🎉 so my mind has been taken off of this worry. I am so thankful to you for sharing your story, it has given me hope that I am not the only one and that it is not true. I have spoken to many Christian’s who also don’t feel like they are going to heaven, I don’t t think any of us do, we just do our best with our life and hope that we go to heaven. Thank you once again.

    • Marie, thank you for sharing your testimony here. Yes many of us struggle with that fear of salvation. No the Lord isn’t saying to let go and go to hell. Glad your day was better but even if days come that aren’t better please never take your life. God is accepting you by His Son and what He did. https://www.heartlight.org/spurgeon/0628-am.html
      Copy and paste this devotional. I love it. Blessings to you.

    • Hi Marie, thank you so much for sharing your heart. Like Kathy has said please don't even consider taking your life. Jaimie introduced me to this great poem by Martin Luther:

      Feelings come and feelings go,
      And feelings are deceiving;
      My warrant is the Word of God–
      Naught else is worth believing.

      Though all my heart should feel condemned
      For want of some sweet token,
      There is One greater than my heart
      Whose Word cannot be broken.

      I'll trust in God's unchanging Word
      Till soul and body sever,
      For, though all things shall pass away,
      HIS WORD SHALL STAND FOREVER!

      I have found it very helpful to keep remembering that my feelings lie to me! If you have asked Jesus to save you, which I am certain you have done many times, then you are saved. You could only seek Him because He sought you first and He will NEVER let go of you. Keep clinging on to Him, His Word is true and His promises are faithful.

      I will pray for you. God bless you.

      Love in Jesus,

      Julie

  • So encouraged to read your story. I have had similar struggles for most of my Christian life – now 75.. Jamie once recommended "Grace Abounding" by Bunyan as an example of someone who struggled with OCD and never knew that was what it was. i found it very helpful. I think this site is great to read the stories and connect with fellow sufferers. I pretty well recognise the problem when it arises now and live a very fulfilled happy life. "Happy" is usually a foreign word to OCD sufferers but it is possible. Thanks for sharing. I love the honesty of folk here. You will see from the comments how many others resonate with you. From the despair of thinking I had committed the unforgiveable sin to the fruitful ministry I now enjoy as a missionary, it has been a long journey. I have learned to manage the problem fairly well and have experienced a large amount of healing. I say this to encourage hope. It can certainly get better. God bless

    • Ah, David! Thank you so much for sharing! I'm 64 and have also struggled since childhood without knowing what was going on! Jaimie's site is an answered prayer. God bless your ministry!

  • Julie! Thank you so much for writing this! I had tears in my eyes as I said "yes, me too, Lord!" to a few of your statements. I'm so encouraged by what you write. Hope to see you online Sunday or Wednesday group.

    • Hi Dawn, I'm so very glad it has helped you. When I was doing Jaimie's Masterclass I had loads of me too moments! It was so exciting to realise how many other people struggle with the same thing I do, when at one time I had felt so alone. God bless you. ❤️

  • My story is very similar to yours , I'm through the worst of it but I still wobble sometimes . It has helped me reading your story

  • I am so glad I have read this as this it what I have been going through for months and months..ive been walking round the house some days in a total state crying out to God as I started doubting my salvation..my faith..God..things un the Bible and I like you have crashed! Ive had to result to taking anti depressants as my mind could not cope and i was panicking every day all day and I became so ill. Your story sounds exactly the same as me…its only the last few days since March that this terrible state is starting to ease but reading this has made me feel more positive..thank you!! God Bless you xx

    • Hi Amanda, keep clinging on to Jesus. Just keep clinging on to Him, keep praying for Him to deliver you from your struggle, He will I promise you. It will probably take time, it could take a long time, but He will bring you through to a much deeper, stronger faith in Him. Keep clinging on to Him, keep reminding Him of His promises that He WILL keep. I felt I was clinging on for dear life for months and the quote "The lives of many godly Christians, the experience of the psalmists, the suffering of our Saviour and the teaching of Scripture all show that one of the ways that we honour God is holding on to Him for dear life in the midst of inner turmoil and pain." really felt like a turning point for me as I realised I was honouring God just by clinging on. If you haven't read Paul Ritchie's book 'Is it unspiritual to be depressed' then please do because it really was a lifeline for me. I will pray for you. God bless you, Julie

  • Thank you for this, as it is a great struggle for me. I do pray that you continue to be blessed.

    I am confused on the issue of faith being a gift from God. I do not think that God just gives some faith and not to others, and thus they are hell bound regardless. That is not loving or just, but I have heard this presented in times past. Much confuses and torments me really.

    I must admit, all the “Christianese” things that I have often heard like, “Truly believe, earnest follower of Jesus, sincerely believe and trust, truly or fully follow Christ, totally repent and really accept Jesus as savior alone…”, have added to my torment. There is no real or certain way to self assess myself for all these things, all the “trulys” and “fully”. I have looked in the Bible and have not found that God through Paul or Peter and others, has questioned things like a person’s sincerity and their trueness. This confuses me. Even the concept of following Jesus as it is often merged with salvation, confuses me.

    • Hi, Jared! I get what you're saying also. First, about faith being a gift from God:

      Roman 12:3 "..but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.";
      Hebrews 12:1 (Amplified version) ".. to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. "
      And one of my all time favorites:
      Mark 9:24:Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief.”
      So yeah, just like breathing and my next heartbeat are gifts from God, so is love, and hope, and faith. But it doesn't take much faith, or a perfected faith, for God to work wonders with! And since there are MANY places in the Bible that affirm God doesn't play favorites, everybody has opportunity to come to "a measure of faith", and then it's what they DO with it that matters. Like an investment, growing over time and proper management.

      The "truly's" and "fully's" and all that speak to our OCD perfectionistic/black and white thinking, as well as to our faulty interpretation of emotions. These are all common to ROCD (religious OCD, or scrupulosity). Philosophically, we understand there is no such thing as 100% knowing of facts, even in the scientific world. If there were, where would be the place for faith? And the Bible says that without faith (including the mustard seed size!) it's impossible to please God. Therefore, 100% "knowing truly and fully without any doubt" would preclude faith! Again, it's how we handle those doubts that's important. Besides, feeling (emotions) are fickle and as Jaime says, "a very poor indictor of reality".

      As one person said, I may not be able to answer all the questions my mind comes up with, but over time (important concept: it's a process), over time I get enough answers that allow me to CHOOSE to trust Him for the ones I don't (yet) understand.

      Allow yourself the compassion and patience to be on this journey. You are not alone, not even close.

  • Hi Julie! My name is Melisa and would love to connect with you. My story is similar to yours, and yes I still struggle at times also. God bless you as you continue to cling to Jesus. If you would like to read part of my journey with Scrupulosity I would be happy to share. My email is edgeclan8@yahoo.com

  • Thank you for sharing your experience! I just want to tell you that you have a walking companion in this journey in me and many others. We may be few and far between, but you are not alone. We are not alone. Confused and frightened children clinging to God for mercy and love. Let us continue the good fight, friend!

  • This story is such a blessing. I too deal with all these thoughts daily. God is on my mind literally every day. I think, I worry, I pray, rinse and repeat. I just want mental freedom… a quiet mind. but I won't give up. it's a fight, but God knows, it's worth it! Amen! This site, scrupulosity.com, has been the light at the end of this OCD tunnel for me. Thank you all for sharing your stories and for helping those of us who don't even begin to know how to put this journey into words.

    • Keep clinging to Jesus Toni. Clinging to Him you are safe. For He is Salvation and He is Eternal Life.
      "Jesus said to her, 'I am the Resurrection and the Life. The one who believes in Me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in Me will never die. Do you believe this?'" John 11:25-26

  • Julie I am a member of the church of Jesus Xhrist of Latterday Saints, I also deal with scrupulosity and have had very similar experiences…what you said here really struck my heart

    “I also recognized that as the Lord is the giver of my faith so He is the maintainer of my faith. As He is the Saviour of my soul so He is the keeper of my soul. So every day now I express to Him my total dependence on Him to keep me going, to keep me clinging on to Him, to keep me following Him. I have begun to understand that He wants us to be dependent on Him, and that scrupulosity makes us dependent on Him in a way we would not be otherwise.“

    Thank you so much for your beautiful testimony of hanging on to him in faith during this thorn in your flesh,

    • Thank you for sharing your heart. These verses are very helpful- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. In the one true God alone, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, we find our hope.

  • this is helpful I struggle w feelings I'm being constantly judged by God and hell is my lot despite having walked closely with Him.

    • Hi Alli, your feelings lie to you, don't listen to them. Martin Luther wrote this great poem that Jaimie introduced me to:

      Feelings come and feelings go,
      And feelings are deceiving;
      My warrant is the Word of God–
      Naught else is worth believing.

      Though all my heart should feel condemned
      For want of some sweet token,
      There is One greater than my heart
      Whose Word cannot be broken.

      I'll trust in God's unchanging Word
      Till soul and body sever,
      For, though all things shall pass away,
      HIS WORD SHALL STAND FOREVER!

      Have you signed up for Jaimie's Scrupulosity.com Masterclass? If not you must, it helped me SO much on my journey.

      God bless you,

      Julie

  • OH my goodness Julie. There is so much of your story that is similar to mine! The fear of hell, the not feeling God. You are not alone. Our stories are different yet the same. Appreciate your openness.

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