Are you afraid you’re not saved?
Despite all your best attempts to draw close to Jesus…
Despite your fastidious prayers and confessions and surrenders…
Despite your earnest and tearful rooting out of sin…
Despite the obvious presence of “good fruit” in your life…
Do you still lie awake at night with the inescapable feeling that you might not be saved?
Most people with religious OCD deal with this fear to some extent–some more than others. You might be afraid that you are not currently saved, or you might fear that you might do something horrible enough (or something small often enough) to warrant a loss of salvation at some point in the future. This crippling fear puts the stakes so much higher than any other OCD theme. It’s scary to think of being lost for all eternity!
In today’s post I want to address a mindset that I’ve commonly seen contributing to salvation fears. To see if this damaging mindset might apply to you, ask yourself if you ever struggle with the “details” of salvation. I’m not talking about having an overall, hazy sense that you might not be saved. I’m talking about being very obsessive and anxious about the specific steps or details that are involved in coming to Jesus. For example:
- Fear you weren’t sorry enough when you confessed your sins
- Fear that you are too proud and don’t really see yourself to be a sinner
- Fear that your repentance wasn’t genuine since you keep stumbling
- Fear your heart is hardened or your conscience is seared because of negative thoughts or emotions you feel towards God
- Fear you aren’t believing or having faith just right
- Preoccupation with seeing the fruit of the Spirit in your life as proof of your salvation
Such fears are not random. They might sound odd, and you might think you’re the only one having these concerns. But in fact, they are based on a specific mindset that is keeping us locked in a spiral of salvation fears. Let me explain this mindset that contributes to a constant fear that we aren’t saved.
The Mechanics of Chronically Being Afraid You’re Not Saved
Here’s the problem: we often view salvation in a very formulaic, mechanistic way instead of a relational way.
Thanks to all the revival meetings and sinners prayers we’ve heard over our lifetimes, salvation has become a reward that is offered at the end of a series of clearly definable steps. It becomes a formula rather than a living, breathing relationship. So we obsess about the steps:
Recognize you’re a sinner. Own that status fully.
Check.
Repent and confess your sins. (Don’t forget any, and make sure you’re actually sorry when you confess them.)
Check.
Believe in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Like, really BE-LEEEEEVE believe.
Check.
Done! Congrats, your name has now been enrolled in the Book of Life.
Unless you didn’t get the steps right, in which case you need to start over again. And possibly admit in front of your entire church that you weren’t actually saved. Yet. But maybe now you can be, if you ruminate long enough and get the “steps” just right…
That’s how the discussion goes, isn’t it?
Salvation has become a formula, and OCD becomes preoccupied with each of these steps because each step to salvation becomes a danger zone, an area where we could potentially mess up and lose the goal.
Just believe? For some that is great news. For the person with OCD, it’s an opportunity for failure.
What if I don’t believe just right?
Recognize you’re a sinner? For some it’s a relief to stop having to pressure ourselves to be perfect and recognize that we ARE sinners and that Jesus is the One who loved a sinless life for us. But again, for the person with religious OCD, it’s another point of fixation. It represents another vulnerable point in the formulaic path towards salvation.
What if I am too prideful or hard-hearted and I don’t recognize myself to be a sinner? That would derail the whole train!
Stop Viewing Salvation as a Formula
The solution to this “just right” kind of thinking is to stop viewing salvation as a formula. It isn’t something that can be sliced and diced into neat little steps like that. Salvation is a relationship with our living, breathing Lord, a relationship that both saves and transforms us. Yes, there are certainly aspects that will be present in everyone’s conversion story, but it can’t be reduced to a checklist.
Jesus said,
And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
John 17:3
Eternal life is not completing all the steps on a checklist. Eternal life is to know God. It is to cling to Him, trusting that the warm clasp of our dear Savior is what saves us from eternal death. It is to open our hearts to Him as to a friend, telling all our secrets and fears and woes. To live in relationship with deity is to press forward boldly to His throne in the times when we feel most unworthy. It is to lay bare the anger, betrayal, and disillusionment with God that can creep in when we struggle with a mental health disorder. It is to learn more about His heart–through Scripture, through nature, through the love of the Church, and through our darkest valleys.
It is also a mutual sharing–as someone told me before I got married: when two become one, the joys are doubled and the burdens are halved. Union with another is a relational mystery. How can two become one? How can we really, deeply “know” another? And how is it that eternal life is to “know” God?
It is a mystery.
And it’s messy, like all relationships.
I can guarantee you don’t believe “just right” all the time. Who does? Wouldn’t we be more than human if we didn’t have our questions when bad things happen? You probably don’t see your sinfulness all in one moment (and thank God none of us do, otherwise we’d all give up before starting!) Virtually every part of your conversion story has been imperfect. I don’t even know you and I’m sure that’s true of you, because that’s the human condition.
When the ancient Israelites were instructed to bring animal sacrifices for burnt offerings, they were to bring only a perfect sacrifice:
You shall offer of your own free will a male without blemish from the cattle, from the sheep, or from the goats. Whatever has a defect, you shall not offer, for it shall not be acceptable on your behalf. And whoever offers a sacrifice of a peace offering to the LORD, to fulfill his vow, or a freewill offering from the cattle or the sheep, it must be perfect to be accepted; there shall be no defect in it. Those that are blind or broken or maimed, or have an ulcer or eczema or scabs, you shall not offer to the LORD, nor make an offering by fire of them on the altar to the LORD. Either a bull or a lamb that has any limb too long or too short you may offer as a freewill offering, but for a vow it shall not be accepted. You shall not offer to the LORD what is bruised or crushed, or torn or cut; nor shall you make any offering of them in your land.
Leviticus 22:19-24
The unblemished sacrifice represented the Messiah, Jesus Christ, the “lamb without blemish and without spot” (1 Peter 1:19). This is why no mere human could die on the cross for the sins of the world. We are all like sheep gone astray, imperfect and full of eczema and scabs and sores, blind and maimed since birth. Jesus is perfect, and He imparts that perfection to us through His cleansing blood.
How interesting that our scruples make us think that we must get the “steps” perfect as we come to Jesus. It is almost as if we’ve taken the promise of salvation, boiled it down into a series of quantifiable steps, and now attempt to achieve these steps perfectly in order to be assured of our salvation.
My dear friends, I assure you this is an exercise in futility. You cannot perform the steps to the perfectionistic dictates of your OCD mind, and God doesn’t require that from you anyways. But if you allow yourself to buy into the “step salvation” mindset, AND you happen to be a fairly ruminative, anxious person, it’s going to be very easy to live in fear that you’re not saved.
Come just as you are. If God needs to perfect the way you’re believing, or seeing yourself, or confessing–He will do that in the context of your relationship. Because eternal life is relationship and trust, not mechanistic steps.
Afraid You’re Not Saved–No Longer!
A few years ago, my sister-in-law achieved a dream she’d had for a long time: she obtained her pilot’s license. She showed me footage of her first flights (the exciting part) and then wanted to show me the flight checklist that she has to go through before taking off. I followed with interest for the first page or two…but then the checklist started getting really, really long. As she explained every point on her checklist (I could tell she was very enthusiastic about each one), I tried to keep myself from yawning.
“Is it boring?” She asked partway through. “I know it’s really long.”
“It IS really long,” I admitted, and we laughed together. I couldn’t believe she did all those things just to take off (and she agreed not to show me the checklist she has to follow when landing the plane!)
I knew that each item on the checklist represented an important learning step that she achieved through many hours of flight training. And I listened because I knew it was important to her. But what I was really interested in hearing was her actual experience. What was it like to be in the air flying solo for the first time? How did she feel when she finally finished all her training? How did it feel to own her own plane and be able to hop from one European country to another whenever she wanted?
Likewise, the steps and processes of salvation are not unimportant. We can’t say they don’t matter. But they aren’t the main focus. The relationship that we have with Jesus is a matter of the heart, not a checklist. When you’re chronically afraid you’re not saved, there’s probably a bit of checklist mentality going on.
And guess what? Your mind can grow and change. Your thinking habits are not set in stone. You can stop relating to salvation as a checklist and start looking to Jesus with relational trust. We can start looking to Him as our perfect Pilot who is handling the checklist for us and with us.
For my sister-in-law, forgetting something on her pre-flight check could spell disaster. But we trust that Jesus is our pilot, leading us safely to the Promised Land. He is the One who gives us all that we need: not merely saving grace, but all that which comes before and after it–faith, repentance, self-realization, contrition, softness of heart, desire for heavenly things, hatred for sin, and all the rest.
You might be afraid you’re not saved because of the way you’ve been focusing on the checklist. But Jesus can help you look beyond that and focus on Him, our perfect Sacrifice and our trustworthy Pilot.
Best wishes on the journey,
Hi, just stumbled on this site. I am living in absolute terror. According to many theologians, there is a huge difference between a “false convert” and someone who “backslides” or stumbles for a season. Take a look at this video to outline the differences:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QSQXf87V10
Then view this clip by the noted theologian John MacArthur: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QSQXf87V10
Hello Anthony, I hope you are doing better!
God promises that anyone who trusts in what Christ did for us will be saved. Because Christ died on the cross for all our sins. He is all we need. :) True believers naturally want to do better, although they often stumble. But the foundation is always looking at what Christ did for us and knowing it’s a free gift that we do not need to worry about earning or keeping by our own works. God freely gives it to us. :)
I am always afraid I am not talking to people about Jesus or I am failing to witness. So I talked to a friend today about buying some Krispy Cream doughnuts and just telling people about God’s love. Maybe this will still my fears of not being saved.
I feel the same. My relentionship with Jesus feels like im always slipping out of his hands because im a really bad person. But now my focus has been on trying to witness to people about Jesus or talking to them about him hoping it would strengthen my faith. But I really scared im not doing it enough and sometimes it feels like im doing it for the wrong reason not out of love for the person But out of fear of not following what Jesus says in the bible. And it becomes like a checklist
That sounds like a good idea, If that’s what you really wanna do. It sounds like you want to spread the word of God & of Jesus’ perfect love.
That being said, you can’t evangelize from a point of fear; only of Love.
You’re not spreading the word of God because God demands you to. You’re spreading the word of God because it fulfills you, and you hope that another person who may be hollow can experience that fulfillment.
God doesn’t need you to do anything. He just doesn’t want to feel fear when calling upon the name of Love
I’m clearly having symptoms also. I don’t believe medication is the answer, but faith alone and the Bible will ultimately lead us out as The Spirit leads. I am alarmed at the volume of persons who had decades of confident assurance, sudden blasphemous thoughts, and now apprehensions and fear of condemnation that never prevailed before. All of which drives us in the direction of distrust or unbelief in what we all know is true that Christ died for our sins.
You’re not alone! And yes – it’s interesting how there is a rise in this lately! I am literally just coming out on the other side of a terrible time with it! (I’m still growing…. Lord is still healing me:)
But you’re not alone!
Something that really helped me was leaning on every trustworthy believer I know for prayer, encouragement, or just general friendship. I didn’t want to bottle it up. After all, we are supposed to lean on one another! :)
I have listened to Yankee Arnold and others that say we don’t repent of sins and that’s what has kept getting me. To repent is to realize there is nothing we can do at all to save ourselves, but to trust in Jesus alone for Salvation as a free gift (John 3:16-17, Romans 6:23) and that’s where I have been getting hung up because I have noticed that I have had a legalistic perfectionist mindset thinking once I have believed on Jesus that I should live a certain way, but it’s supposed to be fully by his grace and not according to how I live, but trust that he has paid the price for my sins by his blood to make me right, but not according to any part of how I live or ant of my works, but that good works can come later because you love the Lord.
I keep finding myself coming back to this site for some clear truth and not just someone’s theological opinion. I have struggled with OCD for years. Didn’t know what it was as a teenager and really not much more about it when I had my first full blown meltdown. I surrendered my life to Christ at 12. I came from a strict religious home where righteousness was mostly external. Everybody looked perfect so what was I doing wrong? I learned from that to “hid” my sin and keep up the appearance of righteousness. I had a full blown breakdown in 2000. All of a sudden out of the total blue I start having these blasphemous thought toward Holy Spirit. Spent a short stay in inpatient behavioral unit. None of the meds seemed to work but it finally calmed down after about 18 months. I continued to have this unexplained angst towards God. I always felt/feel like I am on the outside looking in when it comes to faith. Like I went too far and I was a substandard Christian or joy all all because I have seared my heart or conscience and there remains no more sacrifice for me. I willfully sinned, chose sin over God and tried to hide it thinking God would forgive me but I never really thought about the damage it was doing to my soul. As I sit here this morning, I feel farther from God than I ever have been. Anytime I think of something surrounding faith, I have an almost visceral reaction. Hateful thoughts and feelings about God riddle my thoughts and emotions. I look back on my life and look at the times I was in sin while portraying to be a faithful follower of Christ. How disgusting?! What was I thinking or was I even thinking or just following the flesh? I know there is no hope for me as I know no Christ follower would have these kinds of thoughts or feelings towards God. They would have loving feelings towards Him. I am jealous of others who have that kind of warm relationship with the Father but it is not for me to have. I have seared my conscience and there remains no more place of repentance.
Randy as someone who has similar struggles and grew up in a legalistic home as well… I see you. I am also praying for you to reject the lies you have been told and believed to be true about yourself. The Lord loves you and wants you with him. The Gospel is for ALL sinners. It’s not too late to receive his forgiveness and grace. We are all unworthy of his love and grace yet he still offers it to us. No Christian is perfect. And most probably struggle with sin far more than you realize. Allow yourself to be wrapped in his love and let go of the shame/guilt you are holding onto. Accept his gift of forgiveness.
Remember, Jesus left the 99 to go over the 1 who strayed. He loves you. He really does LOVE you. I’m praying for you .
Friend, I am suffering in the same way. I have fallen so far away from Christ, the farthest I ever have been. I was saved at 11 in a very religious home, through that checklist. I know and believe that Christ died for me and all of us, to pay our price so that we may have salvation.
You have seared your conscience and are struggling to feel that remorse to gain repentance. Never say never. Look at Paul, murdering Christians across the countryside for years, actively fighting against God, and he was offered repentance. I struggle to feel remorse with my burnt conscience as well, and I’m actively in fear of my salvation, but I have to reflect on Christ’s decision to bear my sins, like Paul’s, and that He loves us unconditionally and wants us to come home, like the Prodigal son.
After all those years, the father dropped everything and prepared a feast in celebration for his son that was returning home, accepted him as he was. He didn’t check to see if he had done wrong, or vetted his past life while he was away. He opened his home and heart to him upon his return. We just have to come home to God. I will keep you in my prayers and I ask that you will do the same for me.
Randy, oh how I feel your pain! Brother we are not alone! There are so many other believers going through this same suffering and struggle…. Please don’t ever believe you’re alone!
If you haven’t already, I encourage you to seek out as much prayer and support you can! Even go as far as to seek being baptized / filled with the Holy Spirit and even healed or delivered. Just go for it! The Lord is so kind and will come through!
Also, I’m saying all this from personal experience. I understand how severely painful it is.
I recently decided, “Jesus, I trust that You are the author, initiator, and perfector of my faith. I trust that you still have me even in the middle of my racing thoughts. Lord, I seek healing from this whether by deliverance, healing, a teaching, or anything Lord! Whatever it is, I trust You will make sure I am in the right place at the right time or with the right people to help me. I love you God and I trust you.”
I am praying for you!!! 💛
Can we pray together
I am in this same boat and am in torment constantly
I could have written your comment as my own
John 6:37
“All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.”(ESV)
Jesus will not cast you away if you come to him for forgiveness, friend.
I keep finding myself coming back to this website and it has helped to read many of these articles and hearing stories from others.
I never knew what OCD was till about a year ago. I grew up in church and asked God into my life at a young age but as I got older I was fixated on the world and everything about how my life was perceived by others. After college I had a great job, good friends, anything you could really want and I realized that I had no happiness in anything that I was pursuing in life. Started going to therapy about normal things and started realizing how much I was “obsessed” with different things in my life. Jesus was defintley on the backseat in my life and when life hit all at once. I didn’t know where to go. I hit rock bottom
I started having INTENSE nightmares about hell, terrible/intrusive thoughts, and every thought you could imagine about my faith, religion, and if I was even a Christian. About 2 weeks of this my therapist diagnosed me with OCD and scripulosity and I realized it was such a blessing that this therapist I have knew what I was going through, told me I’m not alone in it, and he specializes in it. That was such an answered prayer in itself.
Through the last 8 months I’ve sought answers through anyone and everything. Read and watched all I could to try and figure out the “answers” to all my questions. I don’t mean it lightly and I could write a whole book about how antagonizing OCD has been but I can tell you first hand that God is with you through it all. There’s hours in the day when you feel on the mountain top and then a second later feel as though you are helpless. The mind and heart are a crazy thing. But he is still there with you through it all
Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. I still struggle daily and have my good days and good weeks. And I have my really bad days and weeks but I promise you that God is with you. God knows you and knows your heart and if you’re like me you want it all fixed now and the thoughts and feelings to go away
But the most peace I have is when I just straight up ignore the thoughts and say “Jesus you’re in control, idk why I’m in this season or why it’s happening to me, but I trust that you are working and I trust your plan is better than mine and I give it all to you.” Also flood your mind (if you can in this moment, ik it can be hard) with scripture about how great God is and how great his love is and it’s helped me to get my mind off of me and my thoughts and how awesome and loving and sovereign he is!!
Even though it has been the worst 8 months of my life it has also been some of the best. Through OCD I have found what love is in Christ and to love others again and have seen his hand at work in more ways than evil can even compete with.
Not sure why I’m typing all this out but I want everyone on this page to know you really are not alone, OCD is real, and God loves you very very much. And my heart goes out to all of you that struggle with some form of OCD and scripulosity.
Oh how my heart hurts! I have never formally been diagnosed with OCD. But I have had obsessions over my relationships, my sexuality, my faith. I fear that my heart has become so hard towards God that I can’t tell sometimes what I believe or don’t.
Sometimes I curse at him or swear at him and say I reject him and other times, I’m terrified that those things can’t be forgiven. And when I start to feel that fear, I start to feel defensive towards him like I expect him to hate me and reject me and not let me into heaven, so I just stay angry at him.
There are times I beg him for forgiveness and then I fear that it’s too late for me and I am a fake, shallow believer. And when I stand before him at Judgment Day, he will cast me into hell. Like I expect him to say I’m a fake and how dare I ask him for forgiveness. And how dare I associate with him.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m 54 and married and I know I want to be with Jesus and I know I want to serve him. Sometimes I just go through dryness of not reading my Bible or praying and sometimes it lasts for years. Things like this make me doubt salvation.
Jen, stay hopeful! I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you! I have gone through the same struggles.
Something that really helped me was just finally surrendering my fears to God and telling Him that I was going to continually pursue Him and his healing, no matter what.
I told Him whether it be by deliverance, healing, a teaching, or just being filled again with the Holy Spirit, I am open to however He will heal me.
If you haven’t already, I encourage you to get very open and honest with some trustworthy believers friends and ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit more and more!
Ephesians 3:14-20 – the love that surpasses knowledge… this showed me I could let go of “double checking” or googling my salvation and instead wait upon His love to fill me up –
Because – 1 John 4:18 – perfect love casts out all fear of punishment!
So I pray that God fills you up with His supernatural love because I know it will expel all the fear! :)
Much love! Stay hopeful! Take it day by day! That’s all we can do. ❤️
Thanks Bri ❤️
I still struggle a lot. My heart feels heavy today. My heart is so fickle and I know it can’t be trusted. I go back-and-forth with saying I love God and saying I don’t and it is such a battle in my mind.
I truly pray one day it will end, and it will end with me being with him.
I’m praying for you. I’m going through the same thing. It’s agonizing agonizing. I’m glad I’m on here because you guys are saying literally the exact same things I get so angry at God for making me what I am because of being born with deformity how I look in all the stuff literally contributed to the way I was treated throughout my life which is caused me massive mental problems, which is the reason for this, and that
I’ve been suicidal and locked up etc., etc. and then I think well if God loved me, he wouldn’t have made me like that like he set me up to fail bc I’m a vessel of destruction and that hurts so bad because my mother and my father, my friend, my husband‘s everybody’s always rejected me and hurt me. They do it because I’m not worth loving and God himself made me and hates me. It’s a horrible place to be. It’s agonizing, agonizing agonizing. How can God ever love me when I have cursed him for being such an evil God that he would have made me filthy and disgusting and gross and unlovable on purpose like do you see what I mean and then I’m so scared and I’m so terrified because I love God so much and I want him so bad. I want Jesus so bad and I’m so jealous of people that have him. Why can’t he love me too and then I break and I cry and I try and I try and I try to do everything and be perfect and be good and then I think no no no it only has to be Jesus it’s he’s the one who did everything so I tried to throw Myself on his mercy, but I’m always bouncing around in my mind from one thing to another my heart never settles the only thing that it seems like I ever know for sure is that God hates me and the fact that I say that out loud that in itself is blasphemy and maybe that’s the unpardonable sin and if it is then I’ve done that thousands of times and that’s probably why I can’t be saved now
But I want to be more than anything else in the world. All I want is that assurance of salvation that the Bible talks about the beautiful assurance of salvation where it says that his spirit testifies with our spirit.
I have this big problems too…Wakeup.in the middle of night with feeling that I am not salvated, dont hear god and more..
I’ve always believed in God since I was a child. One day in 7th grade I couldn’t remember I’f I had ever prayed “the prayer” and accepted Jesus as my savior, after hearing a message at church. I don’t remember what the message was about exactly. About a month ago I was feeling convicted about loving others. There were things going on in life that had caused me to not love well, and I think I had read somewhere in the Bible that those who do not abide in love do not abide Christ. So I was praying and asking God to forgive me and to grow me in that and before or after praying (i forget the order of events) the image of the lake of fire came to mind. Leading to a I don’t know if I’m saved or if I’m going to Heaven. For a month now there has been a raging battle in my mind, trying to make myself believe in my heart what I know is truth, that Jesus paid it all. Yet I have been failing to believe with my heart that I am saved. I will tell myself that I am forgiven, saved, going to Heaven but my heart doesn’t believe it. I know this because I’m not able to say it with confidence and when I tell myself it there’s tension on my heart/chest and fear/anxiety. Looking back at what I would have given as a testimony I don’t see any heart fruits, I guess you could say. There’s outward acts, of going to church, praying, reading my Bible, young adults, evangelizing, but when I look at what my heart and mind were during my life, what got me out of bed wasn’t a love for the Lord but a love for this world and myself and my plans I think. A couple years ago I thought my faith was growing strong, I was learning a lot and getting more involved in things, but all throughout my life I don’t actually see Jesus. Or a true understanding of what Jesus had done on the cross. I would literally be handing out tracts about how to get to Heaven, sharing my testimony, wrote a little paper on how important it is to your salvation that Jesus is God, and it never like ‘clicked’ what it actually meant to be saved. Looking back I don’t see God being first in my life or Jesus being my everything. I think back and there’s maybe one or two times I can think of where I had thought of “the end” whether death or Jesus return and it was the same thing, image of lake of fire, but I was younger and kind of like that’s scary and way down the road, Im going to live my life, worry about that later. Now it’s later and I’m struggling to believe that I am saved. I can’t rest my salvation on a prayer I said when I was younger. And “Todays the day” to choose in whom I will believe and follow. And I keep failing to choose life. I’ve been searching my heart and I think despite my crippling fear of God and His wrath and judgement, my heart doesn’t want Him. And I worry that that’s why I don’t believe. That my heart still wants its own way even though I know Gods ways are better and for my good. With believing in Jesus as your savior, you are called to follow Him 100% all in, and I feel like Cain, or the rich man, unwilling to give up this world maybe or my will, even though I’m realizing this world is temporary and my life is nothing if I am not saved, that there no joy to be had in this world if Im not saved. And again Im faced with crippling fear that has been destroying my mind and my health, and yet when I pray and tell the Lord Im submitting to Him, that I’m surrendering all, that I believe or I’m trusting Him, my heart still isn’t following or meaning it. Which leads to not only fear and anxiety of Gods wrath, but also intense frustration and loathing because my heart is choosing death because it is prideful and wants its way, and my heart feels cold and hard against God and what Jesus did on the cross and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And I don’t know how to make my heart humble because I keep trying to make myself humble before God and let go of my life to Him, to trust Him but when I pray this to Him, there is just tension brought into my heart, not a release in tension. It’s like I want salvation and not God. And I don’t get how I can be so callous. He died for me, facing such terrible physical suffering and humiliation for me, took the burden of my sins, the weight of the worlds sins, was forsaken by God and faced Gods wrath for me. And yet there is nothing. I try to think on the cross and the goodness of God to see if that will stir up any feeling of love or thankfulness but it’s just all emptiness or fear. And so I’m scared that I’m too far gone, my heart too hardened against Him. I see myself as the branch being thrown away. And I don’t know what to do. It’s getting harder to pray and read because it all feels empty.
Its a state-sponsored collaborative attack from the enemy. I have the same thing. Its a coven following me for 12 years. Theyve killed 8 of my family membsrs. Suddenly i feel so callous & unfeeling & am plagued with images. Its the end times. God hasnt left you. He knows your heart & He walks with you. His Presence is with you even when you dont feel it.
Megs LaPlaca
Bri
My heart goes out to you. The struggle is dark and terrifying. I’ve had similar thoughts and concerns over the years.
I think your heart might be softer than you think. The fact that you CARE about your faith says something there.
Desiring God (website) has an article on “Do I have a hard heart?”. It might be worth the read.
It might also be your anxiety telling you lies that you don’t care about “xyz” and therefore you must have a hard heart. I think the devil loves to use our weaknesses against us to keep us from experiencing Gods peace. When those moment arise, immediately reject them and spend time memorizing the promises of God or scripture that focused on his perfect character. When thoughts of hell pop into your brain…. Remember God is not a God of fear.
He CASTS out fear.
“God does not give a spirit of fear but one of power, love and self discipline”.
I’m praying for the peace of Jesus to take hold of you and wrap you tightly in his love.
I know exactly what you’re feeling but let me just say this no matter what you do the one thing you have to do is keep crying out to God don’t stop. There is a verse in Luke and it says that if you try to wake up your friend friend at 3 o’clock in the morning to get some bread even if you’re your friend it’s gonna be like don’t bother me. I’m already asleep but if you keep on bugging him, keep on knocking finally he’s gonna get up just to make you be quiet I don’t exactly understand that but don’t stop asking. Don’t stop begging just don’t stop. Keep crying out to God. Maybe we’re going through this so that we can understand really and truly to the absolute most desperate feeling of what it’s like to feel like we can’t have God so that as we come closer and closer to the end times cause things are getting bad like let’s say that we’re all stuck in these detention camps. Maybe it’s gonna be up to you and me and the other people that are on this website that have struggled through the terrible delusions and the breaking of our minds in our souls trying to get it the truth, and to understand God‘s love maybe we’re gonna be the ones that had to do that kind of fighting so that we can reach the people that are gonna be stuck away in those places and we don’t have access to Bibles and things like that and people are gonna be coming off of street drugs and prescriptions they can’t have we’re gonna be surrounded by people that are gonna be having mental health breakdowns. Maybe we’re gonna be the ones who we’re going to be able to minister at that point in time because we’ve been going through this kind of horrible let’s call it a Boot Camp. I have hopes like that because I want all of this to have a meaning somehow another someway somehow I want all of this for myself and for everybody that is experiencing this that this is gonna be for somebody that God is going to use this for his glory for the glory of Jesus it’s like I believe every single thing in the Bible I believe it for other people and I wanna believe it for myself too
Hey! I have been struggling with doubts for many months now. I hear a message or read an article like this and think… Jesus pardoned me it’s all about trusting him. Then I ask him to save me and profess trust in him; however, as soon as I say amen I wonder if I have already been saved, how this confession and plea was different than the last 700, and if I even truly trusted him just then. The cycle is endless and I’ve talked to so many counselors. It is exhausting. Any advice?
This sounds like the “step” version of salvation I have written about! If I can get all the steps right, then I can secure my own salvation–and ultimately this makes the salvation dependent on ME! I doubt you “truly trusted” in any of your 700 confessions. Your trust was probably partial, and flawed, and incomplete and tainted with self-trust too. But that’s fine, because Jesus accepts us like that. Trust and faith are like a mustard seed that grows over time. Your road to freedom is going to involve eschewing black and white thinking that paints “trust” as EITHER perfect OR worthless–see the gray area, that yes it’s probably flawed and mixed with self-trust but if you are bringing any particle of trust to Jesus that’s enough. Stop seeing it as a black and white polarization, and also walk away from the “feelings” that it isn’t enough. Feelings are poor indicators of reality.
This is so good! Do you counsel regularly? I just prayed to the Lord for help and this! HE has used you and this to help me!
I do one-on-one scrupulosity coaching sessions and also group coaching sessions biweekly. I’m not currently taking new private clients but the group is a great place to meet up and share your thoughts and questions!
Jaimie, I am suffering like some of the people I have read on your website. I started attending a great Christian Church were I live, and was saved about 24 years ago. Everything seemed wonderful, we have a soul winning ministry, and a bus ministry and a great pastor. About 3 or 4 years ago, a backslid. I told my pastor, and he gave me some Bible verses and prayed with me. And told me if you truly repent that God will forgive you and your salvation is intact. But I realize now that I have always been such a worrier and nervous person and I think I also have OCD. I am taking some medication for generalized anxiety. All to say that I find it so hard to forgive myself, and a worry each day that if God still loves me and if a loved my salvation, and worry about going to hell and being separated from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for all eternity. I have some good days and some really bad days and break out in tears.
Thank you so much for listening to my problems.
God bless you!!
This has helped, thank you so much. I don’t think it will happen overnight but I’m trying hard to give it all to the Lord. He knows me better than I know myself and He knows my heart. Praise Him that He does!! I’ve been through a lot having recently had my daughter taken to Heaven but our Father has used this to firmly cement my faith, now all I need to do is to stop doubting myself and to hold tight to He who is ALL. God bless you.
I thought I was the only one searching for an article like this. Praying for you! It can be torment battling our mind wondering if saved! Have I, what if, maybe I didnt. Agonizing. Just gotta look to Jesus and finished work on cross :)
I have been attacked by intrusive thoughts before, they were long and unfriendly
When I bring up my struggle with christian faith, my family believes I am sick, not sane or unwell. But in reality, am I scared and asking for help. So I keep my struggles to myself.
I don’t want my desires to end me and I don’t want my fears to stop me from getting close to God.
Hi, I am a 17 year old girl and I do not have a religious family. I want to find Jesus to save me and my family but I am scared of my flaws, God’s warth and my anger issues. I also suffer with desire and overthinking, but I do not have OCD.
Hey Joyce! I don’t know if you’ll see this, but here’s what Jesus says:
“‘For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.’”
John 3:16-18 ESV
The Bible also says: “ “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
We ALL fall short (see Romans 3:23) but Jesus paid the price of our sins (anger issues included!) on the cross and rose again so he could freely offer us forgiveness of EVERY ONE of our sins — past, present and future! Remember that God WANTS to save you, that’s why he gave his only Son to bear his wrath for sin FOR US! What good news!!
Trust Jesus. He willingly paid it all to save YOU! Take it personal ♥️
Reading the Bible is a great place to learn more and grow more confident. I’d start in John, maybe the NIV or ESV version! The YouVersion app is a really accessible spot to find the Bible (for free)!
And pray for your family, remembering that Jesus loves them more than you ever could, and hears your prayers for their Salvation.
Love your heart and desire to know Jesus (but not as much as Jesus does)!
Hi how can I no for save for sure and it’s not my OCD and how do you look to Jesus and what about repentance and how do you know you want Jesus from your heart? How can you truly be saved? I’ve been struggling with this for 20 years. What do I do?
I worry that I’m not saved I think because I get a sense of dread almost every time I think about Christianity. Thoughts about sharing my faith or that Jesus loves me or that I’m saved by grace and more–make me feel unsafe. Like my anxiety comes and says, “No! Don’t believe that! They are lies.” Even though I truly love Jesus and know they are not lies. I wish I could make this dread go away. Any thoughts on why this happens would be appreciated!
Thank you Jaimie. I’m trying to ignore my OCD thoughts and just trust what Jesus did at the cross was enough.
“He is the One who gives us all that we need: not merely saving grace, but all that which comes before and after it–faith, repentance, self-realization, contrition, softness of heart, desire for heavenly things, hatred for sin, and all the rest.”
Jaimie, this is a very meaningful and true statement you made here in light of my fear that I could have a flawed faith. As you say, Jesus gives saving grace with saving faith.
I’ve been a Christian 54 years. I am 79 years of age. The first 49 years of being saved was doubt free. But then about 5 years ago, I started thinking about the words of Jesus: “I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!”–Matt. 7:23
These words will be spoken on Judgement Day to false disciples. “22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?” These people believed they were saved but weren’t. My unsettling fear has been: “What if my faith has some flaw in it that I don’t know about and so is not saving faith?” When I stand before Jesus one day will I discover that Jesus sees a fatal flaw of imperfection in my faith and tells me: “I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoer!” The consequence of being unsaved is the most horrific thing that could ever happen to a human being so I want God to give me such assurance that doubt cannot coexist with it.
Such assurance exists in Eph. 2:8-9: “8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.”
Since God by grace gives us the faith through which we are saved, then, that faith cannot be flawed; God doesn’t give us imperfect faith but flawless faith. So how can I doubt my salvation? This came to me during prayer recently. Thank God!
I love the pilot story. True, we try to checklist our salvation experience and end up falling short anyways. We keep forgetting that we’re really just passengers and that Jesus is the pilot that fulfilled every requirement so we can fly safely.
You might be afraid you’re not saved because of the way you’ve been focusing on the checklist……
This is it for me. I don’t know how to stop it. It just takes offer and I can’t stand it. For years I didn’t even realize what it was and that it was wrong. But now with the diagnosis of scrupulosity it makes sense but still scary that it is hindering me from coming to Him. All he wants is me but I can’t stop dragging things to him as if I need to earn or be approved and accepted by him by the way I believe. I know this is not true it just will not stop it is overtaking. And I fear that he is saying because of this I can’t be saved because I’m truly not trusting him but my own actions
hey, jessica! that anxiety you experience is part of having OCD :’). and what are we supposed to do with that anxiety? ignore it, no matter how much fear wells up in us. that is relentless trust :D. praying for you! there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Thank you, Jaimie. This is really helpful!
This was a great article, however like Allison I agree that preachers that have a strong tenor in their message can really make one doubt their salvation. They bring up things as easy believeism and focus on a goal of almost trying to convince you are not saved focusing on external behaviors. I absolutely believe we will have fruit from salvation experience but OCD will focus on much and motivation. It’s a vicious cycle.
I guess if nothing else this proves my scrupulosity problem. Ev en in your really great article I find things to obsess over. I just don’t feel I have a relationship…..I do avoid church(because it seems it always sermons that make me feel unsaved)….same reason I barely pray. I am worried that everything is sin and also know I am not close to God because of these things. Also it seems to be so much legalism and in many famous pastors I have listened too…have only made me spiral.
hey, allison :’)! I am sorry you are going through all that, but you are not alone. I would encourage you to join our group-coaching community. it’s such a safe space, and Jamie has great talks during our weekly zoom calls. there is also a masterclass, which is helpful – to be honest, that’s a must-do class for anyone struggling with scrupulosity. things really do get better :). praying for you!
Hey, girl. I feel your struggle of not feeling like you have a relationship with God. It’s also a struggle of mine sometimes. “I should love God more right now! I should feel this much desire for him right now! I should feel super close with him right now!”
But may I offer some things that helped me in this area?
The disciples didn’t have a close relationship with Jesus on day 1. They believed he was holy, he was a teacher, they followed. If you asked Peter on day 1, I doubt he would have said that their relationship was warm and very loving and that he never questioned Jesus.
But he believed in Jesus enough to follow, to learn from him, to get to know him. They spent time and built a relationship through the years.
“Come to me, those of you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and learn from me…” Just come to Jesus, Allison. And let the relationship build itself.
What’s scary is I have been a believer for almost 50 years….but I agonize did I really believe as a child? It is hard to read the Bible or go to church. So maybe I am not…I don’t pray everyday either. Maybe I am just a sinner and that’s my problem and not sceupulosity…..that’s how I feel.
Thanks for the kind response.
I just wanna put this out there, see how it could help you. I say this in the kindest way possible… So what if you didn’t really believe as a child?
God is not someone who says, “Oh, so all this time you weren’t a believer? Oh, so you don’t pray everyday? Nu-uh, can’t welcome you anymore.”
God is a father. He didn’t tell the prodigal son “Sorry, you took too long to come back, you didn’t even bring a single sheep from your inheritance, you didn’t even write to me…” We, you and me, are his children. He’s always calling out for all of us to come home. Forget the past. Here and now, God is calling you still.
I recommend meditating on the story of the prodigal son. It has been greatly helpful in this battle for me. I know you overthink too so might as well put it to good use hahaha.
Praying for you.
Thanks Mary. But all this says to me is that u can never be sure u are saved….u can never know whether u go to heaven or not. So..al these years I am not saved..so I will get re saved ….rearrange baptized…and then later oh goodness I am the prodigal son..get saved again…
God doesn’t want us to be in limbo about our salvation :’).
“These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.”
I John 5:13 NKJV
you can know you are saved, because God said that whoever trusts in Him would be. faith is not perfect trust – faith is the decision to trust. we may have questions, we may have doubts, but we choose to trust what God has spoken. praying for you!
in other words, faith can exist in the midst of fear!
I feel your confusion over this coz I (and i’m sure many others here) have gone through the same cycle countless times.
That’s not God’s heart. Don’t look at it as if you’re going through steps and hoops and checklists to get saved. You are building a relationship which sometimes ebbs and flows. And your Father is giving you the most simple step. “Come to me”. And if you come to him, he saves you!
How can we be sure? Coz he promised!
Is that a one-time thing? We come to him and work on the relationship. And if we make a mistake or sin, we come back again.
I pray that our good Father will shed light on this for your heart to see.
A great pastor who has dealt with this is joseph prince, I encourage you to listen to him. He talks about right relationship with Jesus and the battle of the mind a lot in his messages and it all comes down to grace and faith. One thing thats helped me recently is the realization that we could never do what Jesus did. We couldn’t die for the world and present ourselves to God, only he could. Therefore just clinging to him and crying out to him is all we have to do. He owns every part of salvation, we just trust, trusting is always a little difficult and involves some amount of faith.
I have this affliction too. I’ve had it since about age 18 and I’m in my 40s now. I’ve been concerned about assurance of salvation many times, despite being a believer since age 5 and still a believer. Yesterday I got comfort from John 6: 37-39: “**All those the Father gives me will come to me**, and **whoever comes to me I will never drive away**. For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that **I shall lose none of all those he has given me**, but raise them up at the last day.”
Combine this with “These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, **that you may know that you have eternal life**, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.”
I John 5:13 NKJV
(This is a lengthy comment. I’m a bit of a writer and can be wordy. I just felt compelled to share some of my journey. I hope that’s ok.)
Great post! Thank you! My OCD Scrupulosity thoughts center mostly around assurance of salvation and intrusive thoughts which I fear could threaten my eternal security. For me, Scrupulosity is a pretty recent diagnosis. A biblical counselor (who seems to have experiential insight) I have been seeing identified Scrupulosity as a possibility, when I began expressing my salvation doubts and the daunting sense that every choice I make is probably a wrong choice no matter what I’m doing. I had developed this constant fear of being in disobedience. I remember a friend coming up to me in church, as I stood in tears, sobbing that I felt like I was doing everything wrong and that I don’t know what I’m doing, to try to reassure me with the reminder that we don’t have to get it right on our own because of Jesus’ finished work on the Cross. But that reassurance didn’t last long, as it felt like this black-and-white, concrete way of thinking had developed in my mind and I thought, “One false move and that’s it – I’m doomed.”
These doubts began to surface after a scary medical event happened with my heart. I started thinking about my mortality and found myself asking, “Jesus, are we OK?” Before my heart event, I struggled with some besetting sin that stemmed from a stronghold that I have struggled to get completely free of over the years. I would be OK for long stretches of time, and then would fall into another season of struggle. During the most recent season, I was vastly aware that my choices were wrong, and would pray to overcome it, and (again) would be ok for a while, but would then give in again (so full of guilt and shame). I have since realized the value in confessing one to another (with trusted confidants), even when it seems hard, because sin and shame brought to light has a way of losing its power and dying. Since my heart event, I stopped doing those things, and I really don’t miss them. It almost feels like a deliverance.
At this point, though, I find myself constantly looking over my shoulder, not just at those most recent struggles, but at almost every sin in my past (and my memory keeps bringing up ones I thought I had forgotten), and I think, “Really? I was a believer, and I did all those things. Really? Was I really even saved?” My pastor preached a really intense message about the fear of the Lord, and it’s like my brain is unable to find a balance, since I’m all too aware that there isn’t a human alive that is without sin, and yet it still started me thinking (as mentioned above) “one false move and I’m doomed.” So for me, Scrupulosity has come up as the fear that I’m doing everything wrong, sinning when I don’t know (I tend to scan my brain for sin), even though I have come into this already knowing that perfection is unattainable. I also have intrusive thoughts that vary between blasphemous thoughts, fear of the unforgivable and unpardonable sins, worry that my faith isn’t “right” or constant enough, etc. – all those “what ifs” and “yeah buts.” I started seeking reassurance from several friends and co-workers (I work in the grad school of a Christian University, so I’m surrounded by believers and theology scholars) and the occasional pastor well before the OCD was identified and I found out that reassurance-seeking is one of the compulsions. It became clear that I was asking many of the same questions repeatedly.
Because I came into this season after having struggled with some besetting sin, I have questioned whether I have been correctly diagnosed, but the symptoms fit. And reflecting back, I know that in the back of my mind I have never felt 100% sure of my salvation, but I pushed those concerns aside, probably because I felt OK. (I read your post on faith versus feelings, and it made so much sense). I think my health issues triggered and brought the OCD to the surface. I have rejection issues from my childhood that are likely part of the root problem. I now have a Christian therapist and I’m praying I will be able to work through and heal from some things and find some peace.
I definitely have been a “checklist person,” ruminating on when, how, and under what circumstances I got saved. I’m embarrassed to have been a believer for so long and to think that there are still so many things I don’t fully understand. I have to find a way to adjust my thinking to the idea that continued faith and trust is much more important than some formulaic moment when I prayed a prayer (or many prayers). I’m grateful for websites like yours. Thank you!
hey, heather! I totally get always being worried about making a false move and being doomed :’). I’ve realized, though, that that’s not how God wants me to live. we are supposed to have confidence in Him as the keeper of our souls.
”My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father’s hand.“
- John 10:29
no one, no sin, is able to snatch us from His hand :’). we don’t have to live in a constant state of fear that we’ll fall. He is powerful, and He is with us.
in his epistle, Peter talks about faith that works by love. a faith that rests wholly in Christ’s merits will lead to obedience. but at least for me, my assurance of salvation was so feeble because my focus was on not sinning. “Jesus forgives my sins, and I make sure I don’t sin again.” lately, I’ve realized that my assurance needs to be based on Christ’s perfect sacrifice alone, and as I do this, God will work in me. yes, there is need for watchfulness against temptation, but never as a condition for salvation – always as the fruit of faith. faith works by love! and love stems from a heart that realizes “we have peace with God through Jesus” (romans 5:1).
I would highly encourage you to join our group coaching community! the masterclass Jamie offers is great, and our Zoom sessions are encouraging.
Hang in there, girl. I totally get your doubt over your diagnosis.
I encourage you to keep going, keep looking to God. Probably you have been looking and subconsciously highlighting the scary parts of the Bible. It’s very easy for people with our personality to focus on those.
But i would like to remind you (and me) that it also tells of a God who sent his Son to heal us (and not to condemn us), so patient with the disciples with their many questions and character flaws, so loving that he invites us to rest with him first before we start learning from him (Matthew 11: 28-29).
Heather, I could have written your comment….down to the details…I too have had health issues (honestly mine were probably somatic symptoms from anxiety because the docs could never find causes…but it was scary enough) and also your concerns with besetting sins and thoughts of “how can I have been a believer this long and still struggle with x,y,z?” I too have lots of rumination around the circumstances and details of “when” I really became a believer. Know you aren’t alone. There’s someone who else out there who is pretty closely living your story. I would say I have struggled with scrupulosity since I was around 10 years old and I wasn’t properly diagnosed until 3 years ago at age 33. But through all the suffering and chaos in my mind I know God is good, and Jesus is beautiful and true. And I cling to that. A clinging faith is still faith.